Whats my feeling today ?

The Fear Factor

Day 2 Unemployed

I am one of those people. I’m a type, label me what you will. However what I’m talking about now is simple over-thinking. I replay every single conversation of any worth in my head over and over again, looking for the correct outcome. In fact I’m that far gone, I even catch myself speaking it out-loud sometimes, this can lead to funny/not so funny situations as people over hear, along with my physical size and distinct nature , lets just say a certain fear can enter into peoples eyes even those that know me. However today and I would think for many days to come the fear is with me.

Have I made the correct decision ? Did I end things the correct way ? Why am I bogging myself down with what people think of me. Sure we live in a judgmental world, everyone needs a label or a certain stigma attached to make sense of other people even themselves. It’s never enough to be different and leave it at that.

With this blog, I didn’t over think it, or analyze it to death, I literally starting typing and I’m a firm believer of getting it out be it in words, speech, media and sorting it out afterwards. Venting ? YES.

Procrastinator ? YES. Spell-check? NO.

Today is day two. The Fear Factor. What am i frightened of?

Myself is the answer that I keep returning too. I put myself in this situation, no question. Did I think it through ? No. Why? Yet to be determined. My closest guess, is that if I did think on it, I would never of taken this leap of faith or right now stupidity.

I fear that I will like this, this doing nothing, this not working. I see so many people my age and sadly younger that have not worked properly, a day in their life. How can these people be happy ? Is ignorance really bliss ?

I ask a lot of questions, people always say that about me, I wonder do they join the dots though. I may ask a lot of questions, but no one questions me more than myself. Every second of every minute and hour, in everything. Its exhausting. I struggle with my internals daily. Who I am, why am I here , never-mind the mankind questions.

It reminds me of the Matrix films. Is this really it ?

Some would say too much times on my hands, I agree. Sadly even when I was working 60+ hours a week, I was the same. Its just me. No wonder I’m turning 35, feeling 50+.

I have replayed my “exit interview” thousands of times, in my mind, my sleep, my nightmares.

I know Ive made the wrong choice financially, that much is clear. I clutch on to the fact that this is temporary, with unemployment at an all time low, I have to be different.

Its not just me I have to think about.

If I only thought of me, I would never of survived this long .

It was a selfish choice I made but my partner is relentless, she thinks I had to do what is right for me.

Ive looked for work again today, but I cant see much to apply for, maybe the figures are not real, or maybe just maybe unemployment is down and there is nothing on the horizon. Google tells me that 35 and over is seen as an aging workforce. This is not a good time to be unemployed.

Constantly checking my phone and emails, for a job yes but more than that. Somewhere on the surface I hold on to that fact, that my exit from the “company” was an eye opener to the management about the current climate inside the “company”. I’m a crusader, a truth-seeker, if something is wrong, I must fix it, not for me but for whoever is involved. If i knew how to let go I would, but I grasp at the straw, the “company” will ring and state that all is good and I can walk right back in and resume where I left off. I re-read that. Its crazy. Ive looked at my phone again.

I was brave yesterday, I wrote a blog. Braver still letting my partner read it after I published it. Of course she liked it, but then she would say that. If I could give her anything I would especially what she wants, but I would like to give her saint hood or a medal.

I do hope someone reads this and thinks “whats a nutter” . I’m not looking for that reaction but I think if I read this, I would think it. I purposefully don’t re-read any of this, If I did it wouldn’t get published.

I had to travel today not far in this country, but others would think it silly for the purpose. We chatted in the car , and its lovely to be around but the fear is always there, What does this person think of me doing what I’m doing ? Its all rosy now, but as this continues and the money has stopped and we will struggle , I am prepared for everything.

At the midway point of our journey, we stopped to do what we came to do, and I didn’t want to be there on some level. My long time friend whose business we went too, was not there, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Why ? Because I would fold under questioning . While I did want to see him on some level, the fact that I now feel fear for the future, is taunting me. The voices in my head ring through deeply. What they say only I know. I’ve checked my phone again.

I come from a era and a hard way of life. If there is something you want, you work for it. If there is a tool you cant afford, you either save or you make it from nothing.

“ I’ve done something with so little for so long , now I can do anything with nothing”. I used that as a slogan in my business ( my business is another long story ) .

I repeat that to myself every single day. Along with a few other choice sayings I’ve either heard or made up.

Its real simple, someone reading this would think that I am moaning about my circumstances. While that could be true, the reality, is something much more. I am on a journey of hopeful self discovery, I have failed at many things and I am only seeing now that the problem was always me. I am unclear as of yet if it is because I have a self destruction character, or more likely, I am unable to separate the good from the bad. Possible mental health issues ? YES.

The fear ? Its inside all the time. Everyone has their own demons inside them. How did I deal with them ? I worked. You want to know the crazy thing ? Im very poor. Its not that I wasn’t wise with my money, I just never seemed to have enough of it to be wise. Combine all of that with a feeling of that I am myself worth nothing, I guess you could say I always went in too cheap.

The fear of being classified as “long term unemployed” is very real. Some would say I’m jumping the gun, but from previous experience I found it difficult to work for someone else after working for myself. My now ex-boss , appears o think I will just startup my old company again and all will be grand. I wish I could sometimes. He is a very wealthy man, due to good luck and wise people by his side. If you know what a financial “hit” is for a company, you know what it can do to a small business, he has taken many “hits” and keeps moving forward. I find this simply amazing. I am currently taking a “hit” on a personal employment level, and I know I must move forward but at the minute the wheels are spinning and I am going nowhere.

I fear myself the most.