Whats my feeling today ?

Loss

Day 3 Unemployed

As anyone reading this can tell, I am not a writer, nor an official blogger. I’m sure my blog as it is, stings of bad crammer, spelling and terrible to read. Therein a problem exists. I don’t write the blog for you the viewer ( if there are any ) . I write it for me. Of course it is not hard to tell that I have zero experience with this type of thing but I will continue on regardless. I’m quite good like that. I can deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life. In silence. However if it affects other people I care about, I will move heaven, earth and hell to make it right . I mentioned before I was a crusader. I do not pre-plan what I am going to write, nor do I create situations in my life that dramatically increase the content of this blog. In-fact, I do not nor have I ever been any part of normal social media platforms, while I agree they can be a brilliant idea for a business, and all that goes with it, I do not agree with them on a personal level. That is a debate for another time. I’m simply stating, I’m new at this, but I will get better , of this I am sure.

I question everything. Today is no different for that. I sit here, watching my hands type, refusing to look up and read it, and just let it out. I am dealing with loss today.

Loss, of money ? Loss, of my job ? Loss, of feeling like I am someone ? Loss, of being who I was ?

The answer is all of the above and even more feelings, that I have yet to come to terms with.

Of course, it was only a job, you scream at the screen , there will be plenty more. I suggest you read my other posts for unique clarification .

A constant debate rages inside me, and always will from the simple tasks to the massive tasks, of course this is all in my private life. I can manage and delegate and control and do my best work, as long as its not my personal life. Its a mental block ? Its a fear ? Its just not being able or in the right mindset to deal with it ? Its selfish to think on ones self ? I’ll come back to these questions in the future.

I want to be on the right foot with myself at all times. I need to be. However as of yet I don’t know what that is. I hope to find out or even better, hope my hand is forced so that I don’t have to deal with it. I am great person for helping people, but myself. I can not.

I miss work, so much so , I find that I am still checking my phone, and logging into the project management side of the business through my phone to see progress. Its unclear as of this moment, why my accounts are still active and why my login details are not removed. I have not thought too much about it, but I know from my last words to the boss, that he will move hell or high water to change what was wrong in the company, so that it will be a stronger and better place to work.

I see changes already from reading the reports, and a lot of my ideas have already been enacted, naturally with the next in line, taking the credit and reaping the rewards. Make no mistake, I do not care who controls the changes, or who takes credit, all I wanted for everyone who worked there was a better place to work, with more respect and ultimately as anyone ever in business will know a better company on the books and in real world terms.

Naturally the next in line, is letting me login to see the changes, the next in line and boss-man would like nothing better than for me, to call and claim its all a big mistake and that I would like my job back please. While I have had to stop myself from doing that a good few times, I think that would be a bigger mistake. The childish games that exist in the company and the immature nature of employees at top level, would only be fed more drama to lighten their mood.

Do I think that my leaving with abrupt notice was a crusade ? Not for me, however looking in and even on the other side of the boardroom table at that time ? I myself would of only been thinking one term : Prima Donna.

I take great peace in the fact that things are slowly changing there. I think that if the company learns from my departure and does truly change a little portion of their mentality towards staff and core business, then I will be glad and it will be worth it.

Why care ?

Because I need to make a difference. I can not say it any other way. Not in the way that people may think. That I want all this glory and all that goes with it. No. I need to make a difference.

I helped so many employees in the company regain strength and structure and so of the most loyal ones I did whatever it took to make it easier for them to work there. Why ? Because I need to make a difference. I fixed something for a staff member just before I left, something that meant a lot to her, she had dedicated her life to the company , however she was at the bottom of the pecking order. When I had it fixed on my own time, and presented her with it, she asked me, “How much do I owe you?”. I told her that I liked doing nice things, for nice people. She has always been amazing towards me in my time there , and I wanted to do anything to let her know that I thought of her often. Upon my response, she broke down in tears and hugged me tight and thanked me.

I would like to say I felt good, but actually I felt like I should of done more for her.

If the difference is that I have left, and things change for the better, then it will give me proper peace.

I’m quite unhappy. I have been most of my life. Lots of reasons , lots of good and too much bad. It changes you inside. You lose something.

I look in the mirror, but I cant stand the face I see. So while I look at myself I don’t really.

Daily I fight a battle with myself, on the inside.

I am always going to lose that battle, in fact over 9 years ago, I was sure I had lost it.

I pulled back then and regained the worst form of control.

I am so tired. I find myself near drifting off at times, and snap myself awake. Its only day 3. Ive made a point of getting out of bed, and doing things, anything in morning . The temptation to sleep and stay in bed and let it consume me in depression is real. Not just for me, but for anyone. I see this now. Everyone has bad days, but I am the type of guy its a 100% or zero. Worry ensues for my own safety.

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