Whats my feeling today ?
Day 4 Unemployed
I got a text yesterday from a employee at my ex-company, I debated whether to answer it. Not for contract issues, but more-so because I read it incorrectly. I answered it this morning late , but at least its done. It was work related, but at the same time, it was him saying goodbye.
It did indeed feel weird to read it . As he had put something personal in it. Personal for him at least, as I have known him a few years due to the company, but never heard him speak like that before.
I awoke this morning, with the Ostrich Syndrome. I feel I am burying my head in the sand and ignoring where I am. Its not taking charge, like I always do, its ignorance.
Whats the first thing I do ? I check my phone. I check my emails, both personal, also logging into the company email account , and checking. They are doing just fine without me.
Did I think I was “the man” and the company would not be able to function without me ? On some levels, yes . Am I shocked ? No not at all. In my short period there, anyone who worked for me, or with me, realized I had a massive impact on the company, how they worked, and tried my best to steer everyone in the correct way. This was well bbeyond any kind of scope that I was hired for, however the boss, is a very wise man when it comes to using people to their fullest and getting value for money, so he let me do what I always seem to do and run the show up to the point . Including doing my own daily duties and workload as normal. This was extra. But its on me, I didn’t charge for it, or ask for anything . Looking back it was because I wanted to make a difference. I felt that this guy had hired me, and being honest at the time he hired me, I really did not think I would get another job. A lot of companies and recruiters seem to fear that I had my own business and took it to a high level, they feel I am unable to work as an employee. They are indeed wrong, as was proven with my time at my ex-company.
Why am I talking about this ? I presume it is because its on my mind, I do indeed have trouble letting go of anything, in fact its a constant struggle and the past does indeed stop the future, while I am able to see all my faults that exist ( and some that are in my head ) , I declare myself with Ostrich Syndrome, for the very simple reason I am ignoring where I am , how I got there and how the heck to get out of it.
I did an email today, my last payslip. That was dreadful. Not that fact that I have a very small amount of money coming , but the fact that it is the last wage packet. The last wage packet. Why is it the last ?because I let it be.
I ant to think, that this was the right move and that “ bigger and better things” are waiting for me, I just have to go out and grab them. I do want to do this. I want to. But I seem unable. Is it too soon ?
Why can I not be one of these fantastic people with uber confidence and control upon themselves and get a wonderfully paid job, with a company that knows and sees what I can do ?
I dream about this, I wish for this. For myself and for my partner. I want to give her everything she wants. She is a woman, who does not want fancy things, or big houses, just the basics and to be happy.Comfortable.
Distraction is a wonderful thing. When the mind or body does not want to do anything it will do whatever it can to pull you away from what is needed. Thats the core issue for me. Im not focusing on what I need. Or even what I want. I’m not focusing on anything. I’m struggling internally.
Sure on the outside, you would think nothing wrong, but at the minute, and for a lot of my life, I have done this, silly ignorance.
I guess if you have read all the posts thus far you will think I’m a lunatic. If it makes any progress, I do agree. Along with all the other descriptions you think of that are negative towards me, believe me , I agree .
I looked up courses for a brief fleeting few minutes. I think I will do some basic ones for now, more-so to just have something as a gap filler on my CV.
I spoke before and I know a lot of things , but I do not have the paperwork to verify this. Im not talking about college courses or anything like that, I live in a country where unless you have headed paper by one of the three big colleges, then its worthless. I cannot afford nor will I get assistance for those type of paperwork, so of course as with most of my life, I do this on my own for myself.
In case you are wondering, yes I am still checking my phone, Yes I am still extremely tired.
I check the job sites often, nothing really is coming up for my skill-set. Even if it did, I wonder would i even recognize it anymore. I hope I will, but I know I will have to force myself to fill it out.
When that times comes, I am sure you will hear about it .
Its “funny” really, I barely could afford to live when I was working, due to the fact I seemed and was working 7 days a week for very long periods, with 18hr days . You would think I was well off, but no. When I was working, I could of treated my partner, but I did not, and I should have. I seen sometimes in her eyes the neglect that I have given her and it pains me.
Now however I cant even afford to take her out, as I don’t know when I will get a job or the next job will even be. At this point it looks like it might not even be local.
However on a brighter note, I did find some jobs for my partner to apply for, she has had many interviews recently, and I wish her well, as she is a committed person and if she is reading this ; You are doing the right thing!
I may feel better if I had of been fired. Then the choice as it were at that point would not of been mine. However knowing that it was mine and in my control to a certain degree, is taking a lot out of me mentally. I feel that I have made the wrong decision, it was too hasty and has left us with nothing. My partner did not ask for this, yet it has been forced her.
Its up to me to change it. I realize that and no amount of blogging or writing or thinking is going to do that only action is. I realize this a lot, and if you think that this blog is an attempt for attention or sympathy, then please stop reading. This blog is me trying to deal with my life and what has happened, not recently, but actually over my whole life. I have never spoken to anyone, ever about my thoughts my feelings nothing. To you it may seem like a normal thing, but to me, this is crazy.
So bear with me. I will eventually get the hang of this, or at least come to terms with where I am.
To take my mind of things today, I cleaned. I have a history of cleaning when im upset, when I’m thinking, when i need to avoid things.
I cleaned some of the rooms in our little rented house. Just to think and take the pressure off. However I didn’t think, I just cleaned, but I didn’t notice that I had not thought until I had finished.
It is, what it is, as they say.
I will clean more tomorrow, and possibly not think again.
I’ve noticed an ongoing pattern in my life, looking back, I seem not to finish anything for myself. I can finish for employment, finish for other people, but my life seems to be things are never ever finished, at least to the way I want them to me. I do blame money alot and the lack of it, while this is a real concern at the minute, some of the time, I see it as an excuse.
I do hope that I actually am able to finish things for myself.
I’ve noticed that moreover, I do have a tendency to declare ( to myself ) that I have done this wrong, that wrong, and this is how to fix it, yet I seem to go back to do nothing for myself and focusing on something/someone else, to distraction myself, well from myself.
I know this is happening now. How do I know ? Re-read what I wrote .