Whats my feeling today ?


Day 5 Unemployed

So just not to get confused, I didn’t wake up surprised, the day went as the rest above, however in the morning, I got a phone call . I thought I would , but I wasn’t sure. The ex-boss.

Asking for a sit-down. Not with him with his “business advisor”..who also happens to be an accountant. Oh god. I agree, as I know he needs me to sign forms, for release and to get my P45 under way. You really should see my contract for a good laugh on the amount of paperwork.

So I hang about the house, getting slowly more uncomfortable as time gets closer to the meet.

I pull into the office parking, and there it is. A weird sense. Do I still care about this place and all its employees and locations spread across our tiny country. Here some the flash car the accountant drives. But of course just before that fella pulls up, another employee spies me through the curtains as it were, makes her way over to be, demanding to know if I have indeed left, if it is all true and am I coming back as I’m now in the car-park. And so beings the rumour mill for all to see.

I walk in with this guy, I don’t have access anymore, no keys, no ID, nothing. I sit at the table across from him and wonder. Why the heck am I here? I know there is paperwork, but I don’t trust these guys, never have never will. Why did I come ?

And then it beings, a sort of half-assed exit interview. Now you need to understand something before I continue. These “men” as it were , believe they are smarter, stronger , richer and wiser than anyone else on this planet. And that if you are not working for them, well your an idiot. They constantly look down their noses at people and how they go on.

He conducts this “exit interview”. He is very sharp , to the point in the introduction. He asks, “ Is there anything you want to say before we get down to the nitty gritty of the situations”.

I tell him yes, I am very straight and I speak my mind and tell it like it is.

He asks”Do you mind if i take notes”. Of course not. This comes from the grooming he has received over the years from the Boss man . “If it is not written down it means nothing”. Simple terms, simple mind.

I tell him , why I had enough, why I walked out and what I think in my own words needs re-adjustment. He listens says nothing and writes down, what he thinks I’ve said, I can read upside down , so I scan in a non intrusive way what he has written. I see he has made other notes, separately. Mostly negative about me. I’m glad in a way. Normally, I would be annoyed, but I see he is right, in some of them, Ive had a few days to reflect.

He asks questions none of which I mind, but I do break it all down to simple terms for him, he is not exactly technical. My impression of him ? He is there to speak for the Boss. He claims his involvement in the business in many ways, but then he makes a mistake. A little background, for some reason in this company, I’ve noticed an ongoing way with people. They claim credit from others rapidly and take over situations and “handle” them. Thus allowing them to run to the Boss man, and receive credit. Credit is not the done thing in this company. So its gold.

His mistake was, I brought in a very simple logistical element, to distribute certain parts etc over the country. I fought hard for pricing and structure and got what I want. However he claims that it was him. So much so, I can see he believes it. Any respect for him, left the room at this point, but I kept my poker face on.

The boss man enters, he doesn’t look at me. He only speaks with the “business advisor” about me. In front of me. Commonsense seems to have the rooms also. He says nice things about me.

The “business advisor” states himself and the Boss need to review what I have said and come up with a plan. They want me to type out a plan and meet them again on Monday. I sigh heavily.

I feel trapped, internally, but externally, I give the correct signs. Are they trying to offer me better conditions of work ( no extra money and benefits do not exist ) to stay? Or gleaming me for information to sort out the situations.

I agree to meet on Monday.

I come home and speak to my partner. I font really know how I feel. Later that night, I am restless. Of course this was their intention.

My mind is in over-thinking mode. Do I want to work there again. Do I actually think its best for the company, or for me. Why am I putting the company first and I dont even work there anymore.

We play video games, and watch movies to take my mind off it. It works to a point. Bear in mind the way with me, is I can not unplug.

I realize that I must change, never-mind where I am going to work, things with me have to be different, I can no longer point a finger and blame the world around me. After all , its how everything can be handled, making lemonade etc etc .

I am a positive person, believe it not. I was reminded, that I never state the positive in any situation, for the simple reason, that I already see the positive so presume everyone else does also, I simple voice the negative, as a devils advocate, as sometimes I am not clear if people see both sides.

What have I learned ? By me doing that internally, I am making myself negative as that is what sticks..

I’m 34, coming on 35, how the heck did I miss this ?

How did it feel being called in for the meeting? They wanted me to feel special, that I am part of solution, not part of the problem, that I am the ultimate employee, and how could I leave as I need this, I want this, I’m addicted, we all know that .

Did they succeed ? They did not, as I already know how I am, what I am, and how I operate. To say that I under estimating my ability with this company, is light.

Even If i could do what I wanted to do, they just wouldn’t get it.

One of the big things that came out of the meeting, and something that they tried to set a seed in my mind, was the need for a proper management structure , hinting I would be involved. However they are not seeing the wood for the trees, Ive watched the company over many years while being there, they do not and will not, prompt someone. Its crazy, once you join the company you are put in a box, of which there is no escape. I know this. However they seem to think I do not.

But they succeeded to ruin my weekend, get inside my head and annoy me. They only succeeded because I let them. I’m disappointed in myself heavily.

This blog is changing. I’m sure that is evident in the way I type now.


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