Whats my feeling today ?

Confusion

Day 6 Unemployed

The day begins as normal, check my phone, check my email check everything. Job searches, check my money, sort out in my mind where I am going. Now that is work in progress, but I do it everyday ,rather than the bigger picture.

I speak heavily to my partner, we discover, that everything is not said, and that saddens me. I talk straight. I need it straight and simple.

We go for a walk. Its lovely, spending time with her, Ive missed it, and forgotten how lovely it is.

We chit-chat, but she knows rightly, its all on my mind. She asks what I am going to do. I spend a long long time speaking. The more I speak the more I wind myself up and worry.

Why Am I getting the feeling, this is going the “cult” way, and I can never leave. Why do they just not gleam me for information and just let me go. There was no need for this Monday meeting, I could of emailed it in it. They could of laughed at it, for a far.

Is it because they wouldn’t let me go this easy. I am no model employee. I am no great fella. Not this great. They always have another plan, you never see coming, all I can think of I’m part in some shape or form of this plan. Why ? God only knows. But I have noticed that any of these plans, that you never see coming are not good. They never end well. I do not want to be a fall guy. I don’t really need it, nor want it.

I check my phone, for job offers, for anything, I desperately look for something to apply for. I am that bad, Ive set my search engines in the jobs sites, to email me any jobs that come up in Europe that fit my request. Nothing.

We talk some more, and I realize, I am over thinking this, I also notice that I was unable to write my blog for the day before. Meaning its all inside me, the “interview” etc, I need to get it out and sort it out, I do find its good, to write it down and post it on line . Why ? Because to me then its gone.

Its written and gone, I don’t want it on my computer, I want it gone, and I really don’t mind that anyone reads it, or doesn’t read it, as long as its gone away from me.

Ive written before my problem is over-thinking, and this encompasses my life, it stops me, it talks myself out of doing anything, its that bad, at times I feel worthless, because I see the bad in something and magnify it by over-thinking.

I feel terrible.

They have me over a barrel in one way. I am looking for a job, but with no savings, money is tight and going to get worse, far worse. However if I was offered something to rejoin the company and I did and then wanted to leave again, would it be like this.

Something preys on the back of my mind heavily.

A former manager was treated this way.

He left and was interviewed twice, getting re-involved, and make to feel special and part of the solution not the problem, the manager was then sacked for misconduct and attitude. 6 months after the fact. That is my deadline.

I do not want to be in a position where I re-join later to be binned off . If they offer and I accept, then it must be a means to an end, it must be a savings effort and it must be a stepping stone to something else.

However something else stops me dead in the tracks.

I’ve said that before, in fact I said that when I joined the company, in fact it was the exact same conversation me and my partner had , now and then.

I see that I got stuck in a rut over the job. That I gave such a good effort, I put nothing on myself. That is why I burned out fast, that is why it is like it is.

I can still log into the company side of things and see progress. What makes me happy is that since I left, the “team” as it were were not able to lean on my as hard. Therefore, they have made progress, real good progress, without me. This solidifies my mindset. I was part of the problem, the whole company is progressing and I was not. I thought I was, but no.

I made it too easy, and now that it is not so easy people are shinning.

This lifts me, I feel I can walk in on Monday, and not fight for my job, not that I was going to, its just how I speak.I will state I was part of the problem and now, thankfully, with me gone, the void is filled by the team, not just one man, this is the future for the company. Is it the future for me ? No.

My best work is behind me, with this company, everything else is just filler, I did what I had to do, then and will do what I need to do now. If they offer me a job as it were, it wont be doing what I love and it will be at a reduced rate I am sure.

If I accept it, they will think they have me, If i feel i need to accept it, I will. While on the outside I will give the impression that I am there for the company and everything that goes along with that, inside, I will hate it, yet put up with it, until I can find something else.

I am hopeful, that I can do some light re0training, to hopefully flesh out my CV and gather what I can, to propel a proper scenario.

If they try stop me again, I don’t know how it will end, but at the same time, the next time I leave will be because of a far better job.

If on the other hand they do not, offer me anything, I am at peace with it. I do not feel I need to be there anymore.

While we will struggle and fight, and hopefully not become homeless in the near future, I think we must remain positive and wish, pray and hope something comes along.

Even if I have to work away for a time, I need to do, what needs to be done to survive, and to get ahead.

Once you see, that they only thing stopping you, in life is yourself, it all becomes clear.

That is a vast statement, and I type it. Whether I will be able to keep that in mind, when the demons come and the darkness appear,s and all around look bleak, I do not know. For now, I know it, and know that there is no point , blaming anyone but myself. If i take everything else out of , maybe I can move forward for me, before its too late.

That is my hope. Without hope I have nothing.

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