Whats my feeling today ?

Lost

Day 7 Unemployed

Still lost, the day begins, with me not actually wanting to get out of bed. I have things to do, that I am avoiding heavily. The plan they want. I already had one in my mind, but threw down a very simple and basic one, and printed it out. I didn’t put in a lot of effort, there isn’t much point , as it gets lost in the form of translation.

When I typed it out, it further created a mindset. Thats great they want a plan. Wow. What the heck am I actually getting out of this?

Better work conditions, but the reality is, all that I am doing only further creates a better business model for them in the future. But what am I getting?

I want to know what they see, properly, it wont be easy as they will be expecting that question and already prepped for it. I still do not fully understand why they are doing this. Sure no one wants to let a good “worker” go… but this is borderline insane.

I helped my partner with various need to do tasks, and now I am writing this. Its a very unproductive day, I job searched sure, but nothing updated since Friday, so no real change there.

I do not want to take the wrong attitude, but really, why am I meeting them, If it is to satisfy what they want, fine . But the whole structure of the company is very one sided, towards the employer. I was told there would be growth, room to grow even, and progress. I see nothing. The progression I made,I took and made myself. I can’t keep doing that. Especially if they want me to return, and their key point is only I need a manager.

Its all lost on me.

And it upsets me, because I have plenty other things to think about, like myself, yet I am allowing this to stop me.

Old habits are hard to shake.

I have firmed up in my mind, the questions I want to ask, but of course, I am worried, as its me. Without work,I am lost. I know this. They know this. Its a fine line, I don’t wish to crack under the pressure, its not about that, its about holding back the flow of panic, If I don’t answer correctly, If i don’t get offered the job, what to do ? Stop. Calm. Stop. Think.

Its not about them vs you. Its about you vs you .

The good and the bad, the bad overtakes me and is flying down the highway as the good, looks for a lift, because he cant figure out how to drive the car .

One thing I have noted before in my past and always hanging around my head.

I am good at what I do. So good in fact, I will leave myself in a worse place to do something good for the wrong people.

My internal battle rages on.

I’m struggling to change my mindset. I see this so damn clearly. It worries me.

I know I’m my own worst nightmare and that I completely wreck my own head and I am sure I wreck all those around me.

I noticed a sharp decline, in my posting. The content goes down hill rapidly. Is that because of my mindset or because they threw me this curve ball.

Did I want the curve ball.

If all else fails, I need this as an exercise, simply to test myself, and whether I am offered the job back, or whether I take it or not, whatever way this plays out, I need to make the informed decision, that even if it is the wrong thing to do, I need to make it right, use it as a way to better myself, or get out correctly.

I don’t think enough of myself. Not saying I need an ego boost per say. On the whole, I need to see that I do deserve nice things for myself and the correct path for myself, not for other people. Its easy to say, easy to type, but my god, its a hard change for me.

The weakness that exists inside of me, its a horrible-thing. Its like an infection. It creates stress, being unwell and lacking the ability to manage, even simple things.

My mental health is declining , over time, and I wonder how I will end up.

For now, I need to focus on me, again a simple and sweeping statement, but I need to make that a reality. At one point in my life, I did actually have a life, now I don’t know what I have.

Its age too, social pressure exists and its real.

Real because I listen to it.

I long for days when it didn’t matter what was in my bank, or what I was doing, as long as I was happy.

It all changed, for me, and I became, mean and twisted and hateful on the world.

Thats a battle, that I must win, I need to turn this around and see a way forward, one step at a time.

Not just for me, for all the people in my life.

Everyone suffers .

I don’t know if they know, how much I suffer inside. The quiet calm man, perfect poker face, inside its completely different.

Ive been like this so damn long, I don’t even know what normal is.

I can fake it, to the point where I almost believe it.

I’ve read a lot of the last few days, at weird times in the morning / late at night due to sleep loss.

They all suggest making a list of to-do, or changes of realistic goals.

I will do this, but of course I have done this before, many many times, and nothing ever came of it.

Pushing myself is hard, applying pressure to others and getting things done , easy.

People, see me ( as they have told me ) as dominant and alpha male and in control.

I agree with them face to face and laugh and worry behind it all, thinking these people are indeed crazy .

Am I hopeful they will offer me a job back ?

Realistically, financially and the mature side of me ? Yes.

My heart states various problems, with this.

The best work I’ve done with this company, is behind me.

There is no room for me to grow or even progression.

Like the majority of you out there, I am not happy with it, and I did see it as a way of paying bills and gathering savings, one out of two is not bad.

I am thankful though, thankful that I did get to work , there and see the company grow.

Thankful, that the job allowed myself and my partner to live together and share such amazing times, even though I don’t see them that way at the time.

Its all about reflection, for me.

Sometimes I can’t see it, till I am out of it.

I get so involved.

I like being busy, because I do not have to face myself or my fears.

The cowards way out of life.

Can I see myself being there another 2, 10, 15 years. ? Yes.

Do I want to be ? NO . NO . NO . NO . NO.

I need to focus on that statement, because it will help me, well be me.

I tried to talk to myself ( I actually talk to myself a lot ) and see what it is I want.

Right now, I want some money, and a way of making myself better.

I feel sick. Inside.

Its not right, and its not normal.

I don’t mind being different, however I would like for once, just once, to be happy and not have any worries, even for one day.

I want that happiness, of doing something I enjoy , of making people happy.

I want to make those around me, feel special and loved, and for them to know I appreciate them standing beside me.

As I am sure you have figured out long ago, I am not the easiest person to be around.

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