Whats my feeling today ?

Worried

Day 8 Unemployed

As anyone reading this, may have guessed, today I had to do a “sit-down” with my ex-boss and his “business advisor”.

It was early enough in the morning, which suited me as I had set the time. I wanted it out of the way and any progress or lack there of, done and dusted.

Well it is done and dusted, I feel tired and worn out.

I agreed to return to work, with a small win, nothing with a fanfare or pipes playing to say the least.

I start back tomorrow. My choice.

As he handed me the keys, ( the biggest set in the company ) I felt torn, for that split second of my hand on them, my inner voice screamed run. I shut it up.

Did I want to go back ? Heck no.

Why did I ?

Well as you may or may not have read, I need to focus on me. I can not and will not do that without some form of income. While I will put on a brave poker face, and commit to a point, it stops there.

He re-hired me, but he knows fine well it wont last, both of know that without speaking.

Instead of me moaning, at myself ,I want to focus and actually better myself completely, with training, and do the things I love again. Make no mistake, he will “drop me like its hot” at a whim, so I want it all setup so that when that day comes ( he will do this when he thinks my feet are back under the table ) that at least I am not walking away with nothing.

For a strange fleeting moment the “business advisor” stuck up for me, and requested a promotion in front of the boss man . However that will not happen, but at the same time, they want me to pave the way, setup the thing and get it running, so a manager can then move in, manage it, and of course me. Nice kick in the teeth that one, I thought. Of course he didn’t give that away, but I have dealt with this type of gentleman before, and while I am overlooking a lot, meaning he has more silly stuff planned for me, I will never lose touch of why I am doing this. Money, and progression, personally for me. I have done this for 2.5 years, there is no place left for me in this company and he knows it. I feel it. I have out grown them, and they know it. Instead of helping a fellow, then choose to chain me up in the basement, as I come up with a more cost effective way to run the business and boost his bank balance. Now some way say, that is terrible, and some may say, you wish. However the reality is just as I said. I was brought in to grow it, and grow it I did. Rapidly, so rapid in fact, they can not keep up, and it shows.

He did not, and will never now offer me any more pay rise, or responsibility. I have accepted this over the course of today and I am at peace with it.

My partner stands by any decision I make, and this means a lot to me.

She sees a change I think.

I hope not to revert back to the old ways.

I went home today, it was mixed feelings, I needed to speak to my brother.

He had many words of wisdom for me, which I enjoyed, but the one thing that always comes from him and always will, in his own words “ but what suits you best, and what do YOU get out of it”.

I never listened to him, in the past, but today I did, today I know exactly what he meant.

He was the exact same way, only I have taken it to a new harder extreme.

He is not happy with this, or with me, for being this way.

It saddens me, but at the same time its a reality check that I listen to without question.

He always had my back, and I do hope that I have his.

I explained in detail to him what I had done, what I knew and more-so what I didn’t know.

His words as written above rang through plain and simple.

I need to look at my life in constant work in progress, not to be hard on myself and changing my mental standpoint will change my life dramatically.

I need change, for me , for everyone.

As you may guessed, patience was never the strongest weapon that I own.

I need to work on that , hard.

I love projects, and now I have a new one, from tomorrow, that project is me.

I see myself as one of those people, who completely separates themselves from work, at all times, while my body will be there, my mind will never be anymore.

This is a great thing.

If this was me two weeks ago, I would want to go into work tomorrow, and sort everyone and everything in one day.

But no.

Life is not like that, and neither am I.

I realized something today as I sat there, bored off my tree listening to these two men carry on like a married couple, trying to own the world, that they know nothing about.

I gave them so much , and I got nothing back.

Its turn the tables time.

From now on this, this is a job, going no where. However I am control of me. Not them.

I need and must better myself and get a grip.

If this has thought me anything, is a hard lesson, to get along, you must go along.

Ive made lists before, and gotten nowhere of things I wanted to do, or things I wished I could do.

Forget lists, just focus on one small thing every day that makes a difference, big or small no matter, you are in control.

That was lost on me, feeling like a puppet for a pay packet. No longer.

Anything I can obtain from these idiots I will.

Whatever else is one me.

The days of letting the world point a finger in my face and telling me I am no good, is over .

Forever.

I don’t even know how good I am, as I have never reached my full potential. In fact at this job, I have lost some of the knowledge I had, at least it has dulled, but I will get back, and more-so than that, I will be hungry for more.

A small part of me thinks, that this will all change when I sucked back into the puppet game, and while I will give the best performance ever, I need to do what I did before, and play a good game, act a good role and come home, to my partner, with a smile and spring in my step, knowing, that above all else, we are going to be okay. Because if we are not, we are going to make it okay.

The days of letting the world point a finger in my face and telling me I am no good, is over.

Forever.

I am better than that.

I lost my way.

No one can help me find it, only myself.

I do not need a map for this, or Google.

I just need to remember that I am me.

Its never easy for a man to admit, that he is not “OK”.

It is never said enough, people hide too much behind life.

I know I am not “OK”.

While this is not the toughest thing that will ever happen to me, it’s something I face on a daily basis, but I am in control, not my feeling or emotions, not the world , not the job, no one..

just me.

I want to be “OK” again, and in order to do that, I have to face these demons, and chase them, and lock them up, and remember that they do not run my life. I DO.

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