Whats my feeling today ?
Today my emotions began as mixed, landed to the H.Q. head down and got stuck in. Lot of mess from me only being gone 7 days. Shocking really.
Dealt with some of that and continued on, most people wishing me well, while stating “ they knew I’d be back”.
Silly people, with alot less on their mind than normal intelligent people.
I’m not judging them, simply stating the facts, as previous told to my ex-boss now boss, I did wonder how he gathered up all the village idiots inot one company and managed to hire them.
However more fool on them really, as they pay their wages, mine included.
Most left me alone to my own devices and thoughts, but that will change rapidly, as I am the go to guy, for absolutely every thing.
As the day progressed, I found myself constantly questioning my decision. Was it right to return, should of kept going and not looked back. However silly my boss is for re-hiring me he knows only too well, that I will leave again either by force or by choice. The pattern in the company remains the same, people try to leave, he thold thems, then constantly annoys them and belittles them, until it shows in their work, therefore creating his own faults in those people, giving him the ammo to let them go, he is old school and has to have the final word.
I’m unclear as to whether he actually thinks, he has me over a barel. I did give a good impression of that to him upon re-hire, but only because his game is simple, my games are more complex than he can see.
Throughour all of this, I will reamin positive , keeping the facts clear in my mind. I am in charge of me. Nothing they can do, or say, or try and place onto my shoulders changes who I am, who I want to be, and nothing they do takes away from the fact, that this empire, is built with some of my blood also. Despite what they might think.
They have yet to realise that I am back because I wanted the money, not the job, but that will shine through and through given time. I will make a proactive role in making it extremely slippery and awkward for them in ways they will never see coming, just to let them know and a constant reminder.
Most of the managers and sub managers only exist and are only good at their job, because I gave them training, but all that has ended now, and the sheppard is retired. Quite obviously today that the sheep are roaming about with no guidance, and let it be that way .
Its not my company, its not my money, why did I care in the end ?
I always swore to myself I would never become a sheep, and I will not.
As my way, goes so much deeper.
I continue to look for jobs, and will continue to focus on myself, I expect my motivation to lack, as this is a very head space job, and does takes it out of me, day to day.
However I will continue on and keep going.
To say I have lost heart in it, is the under statement of the year.
Imagine yourself sitting there, in a meeting looking for the obvious progression, getting told no, but expected to setup it up for a stranger to get the progression and then you stay on the same wages but have to do extrea hours ? That is only one of the outcomes they look for from me. I do laugh behind my eyes and “yes sir” attitude.
The day dragged, my feelings got worse, I hung in there and kept a lid on it.
I think most expect me to walk again,which is great.
I have no loyalty to these people anymore, how could I , loyalty is a two way street.
I still see the same mistakes, and the same puffed out chests, by the same people, but no more will I cover up, or take the job over or anything like that. I will let them carry on, while I will do my own thing.
Nothing else really to report, expect I am very tired, and kinda upset with myself for going back.
I am weak, where I thought I was strong.
But my strength will come back, slowly, and I want it back slowly, because speed means nothing.
Nice and slow and therefore it will last as long as I need it too. At least that is my hope.
Without hope I have nothing, no longer will I blame anyone but myself.
It works for me. Why ?
I can not change anyone else, no matter how bad or wrong they are.
I can change myself and rise above these scum of the earth and their greed.
I did learn something very important about myself today.
Something I didn’t see clearly or expect coming, and although I am on the fence about it, its a lesson still for me.
I struggle with letting anything go, emotionally, physically all levels really.
I never understood why, and if I did , well I never admitted it.
I do not let anything go because I am scared of change, scared of losing something that was right.
Scared of moving on from the past.
This shocked me, to others its obviously who know me, but to me, it rocked me to the core.
Usually I would call myself stupid and give out to myself, but I did not.
I was glad I found this part of the puzzle, it shows and proves to me , that all hope for me is not lost.
I have to keep taking a leap of faith, and always will everyday, on myself.
I do not expect big changes in my life from all this, infact its small changes I will focus on, I believe that all the small changes, will make big changes and turn me into a better person all round.
That is my goal for me in the short and long term, leading to happiness.
Im not looking for anything.
I already believe in me, its just convincing all of me to believe in me .