I did not forget this .
I avoided it. Why? I wonder… fear. I have re read what I have wrote and my life has changed but also not changed . What has really changed more I wonder. Simple. Me.
For such a long time I have felt lost, long before I wrote this blog from the start. If you ever read all of it, I come across as a complete psycho. Why ? because I am. At least thats even how I am starting to feel . I began this blog thinking that the simple effort of putting words to a page, would help. I am not going to lie, for anyone reading this please , put words to a page, if you are anything like me, its toxic to keep it inside you.
People change, more-over situations change, sometimes when you want them to, sometimes when you dont, when you least expect it.
I am the maker of my own disaster. Read that. Re-read it a thousands times . I say that to myself daily. It does not help. I keep putting myself or letting myself get into these situations. Someone told me you can have an easy day or a hard day. I give myself plenty of hard days. That I do not even see myself creating. Then I give out about them feeling helpless. What I have never admitted, what drives me insane the feeling of nothing doing anything, of being able to do nothing. A walking disaster. King Midas in reverse.
I took back the job. Why? I dont even know anymore. Its not changed , but I have. Can I handle it better? Yes if i ignore it. Sadly I’ve ignored too much surrounding it. I never seen myself as smart or active, or anything. This last few months has proven it so much.
I think of myself as trapped. The best prisons are the ones you keep yourself in, you dont need a cage or a jail or a guard if you are the one keeping yourself in there.
This is all easy to write, and easy to say, infact it sounds such common sense. Putting it on a page is easy, implimenting it much much more difficult for me.
I am as you know a simple man. Simple ideas, simple plans.
I feel so lost, so empty.Some would say its depression and to “cop yourself on “. “Get on with it”, the famous “be grand”.
I am a man of sayings also. “if its not okay, we will make it okay”. Sounds easy. You can say it very easy.
My work ethic has always been hard and fast, 100% or Zero. Go Hard or Go Home.
As far as I can remember when I was working, I often half joked with my mates, that my personal life was a wreck. To be honest it always was. The common factor ? ME!
I am a victim. I make myself a victim. I dont want people to feel sorry for me, yet they always do, thinking its the hardest thing ever. Im strung out, work , pleasure everything.
I moan, oh boy do I moan, why do I have a blog ? to moan more to a bigger audience.
My head feels in fog all the time , lately.
What has happened in the last 190 days?
Ive kept going at work. I got a pay rise. I got a better car ( maybe ) .
Ive ruined my personal life, and the life of others. Sounds dramatic, it is, it was and its horrible.
I am a torture to myself and to the people around me. I even am starting to feel sorry for myself.
Someone today suggested to me, to write down the things I am grateful for. I did that . I am not going to share that list with you, it would bore you to tears. However I will say that list helped. It was the best advice I had in a long time. I make mistakes, and I do silly things that I regret and actually despite my big mouth, I do not really say alot about.
I sit here writing this, not knowing where my life is going anymore, but not taking charge of it nor my mistakes either.
I am not familiar with feeling my own feelings, or knowing what they are, even if they are real or not. Cried wolf too many times. I do not know. I am dramatic and possibly comes across as false at times. I do not mean that. I want the best for everyone. I can never look at myself that way though. I do not know what is the best for me anymore and even if it was staring me in the face I am unclear if I could face it, see it, or even deal with it.
My cup says #DEALWITHIT.
How fucking ironic is that. I expect others to deal with things, as I use to, and still think that I do, but I do not.
I am being very light on details , this is more feelings and emotions.
I see this, and of course I am aware of it. Now is not the time for details. Someone tried to talk to me yesterday, important talk, and what the fuck did I do ? I turned it into “about me” and even fucking referenced work in the conversation like a million times. What a fucking idiot. But it took me a full day to see that, as I replayed the conversation in my head over and over and over . What kind of person does that !
A very selfish one, who is lost in his own world, and that cries in his head that he is trapped, a trap that he set himself, that smarter men and women could see in him, and they fed it, until the trap became him.
What I will never grasp, by grasp I mean deal with is that for whatever reason, I am so goddamn scared of myself that I cant breath at times.
The woe as me routine, is nearly instilled in me by me ! Pathetic.
The only person that can change this is me.
What have I come to have a moment of clarity about ?
I don’t have a set of balls anymore.
And what is worse, that making mistake after mistake, and hurting people and property more that anything ? Not taking responsibility for it.