Day 190 Jaysus.

I did not forget this .

I avoided it. Why? I wonder… fear. I have re read what I have wrote and my life has changed but also not changed . What has really changed more I wonder. Simple. Me.

For such a long time I have felt lost, long before I wrote this blog from the start. If you ever read all of it, I come across as a complete psycho. Why ? because I am. At least thats even how I am starting to feel . I began this blog thinking that the simple effort of putting words to a page, would help. I am not going to lie, for anyone reading this please , put words to a page, if you are anything like me, its toxic to keep it inside you.

People change, more-over situations change, sometimes when you want them to, sometimes when you dont, when you least expect it.

I am the maker of my own disaster. Read that. Re-read it a thousands times . I say that to myself daily. It does not help. I keep putting myself or letting myself get into these situations. Someone told me you can have an easy day or a hard day. I give myself plenty of hard days. That I do not even see myself creating. Then I give out about them feeling helpless. What I have never admitted, what drives me insane the feeling of nothing doing anything, of being able to do nothing. A walking disaster. King Midas in reverse.

I took back the job. Why? I dont even know anymore. Its not changed , but I have. Can I handle it better? Yes if i ignore it. Sadly I’ve ignored too much surrounding it. I never seen myself as smart or active, or anything. This last few months has proven it so much.

I think of myself as trapped. The best prisons are the ones you keep yourself in, you dont need a cage or a jail or a guard if you are the one keeping yourself in there.

This is all easy to write, and easy to say, infact it sounds such common sense. Putting it on a page is easy, implimenting it much much more difficult for me.

I am as you know a simple man. Simple ideas, simple plans.

I feel so lost, so empty.Some would say its depression and to “cop yourself on “. “Get on with it”, the famous “be grand”.

I am a man of sayings also. “if its not okay, we will make it okay”. Sounds easy. You can say it very easy.

My work ethic has always been hard and fast, 100% or Zero. Go Hard or Go Home.

As far as I can remember when I was working, I often half joked with my mates, that my personal life was a wreck. To be honest it always was. The common factor ? ME!

I am a victim. I make myself a victim. I dont want people to feel sorry for me, yet they always do, thinking its the hardest thing ever. Im strung out, work , pleasure everything.

I moan, oh boy do I moan, why do I have a blog ? to moan more to a bigger audience.

My head feels in fog all the time , lately.


What has happened in the last 190 days?

Ive kept going at work. I got a pay rise. I got a better car ( maybe ) .

Ive ruined my personal life, and the life of others. Sounds dramatic, it is, it was and its horrible.

I am a torture to myself and to the people around me. I even am starting to feel sorry for myself.

Someone today suggested to me, to write down the things I am grateful for. I did that . I am not going to share that list with you, it would bore you to tears. However I will say that list helped. It was the best advice I had in a long time. I make mistakes, and I do silly things that I regret and actually despite my big mouth, I do not really say alot about.

I sit here writing this, not knowing where my life is going anymore, but not taking charge of it nor my mistakes either.

I am not familiar with feeling my own feelings, or knowing what they are, even if they are real or not. Cried wolf too many times. I do not know. I am dramatic and possibly comes across as false at times. I do not mean that. I want the best for everyone. I can never look at myself that way though. I do not know what is the best for me anymore and even if it was staring me in the face I am unclear if I could face it, see it, or even deal with it.

My cup says #DEALWITHIT.

How fucking ironic is that. I expect others to deal with things, as I use to, and still think that I do, but I do not.

I am being very light on details , this is more feelings and emotions.

I see this, and of course I am aware of it. Now is not the time for details. Someone tried to talk to me yesterday, important talk, and what the fuck did I do ? I turned it into “about me” and even fucking referenced work in the conversation like a million times. What a fucking idiot. But it took me a full day to see that, as I replayed the conversation in my head over and over and over . What kind of person does that !

A very selfish one, who is lost in his own world, and that cries in his head that he is trapped, a trap that he set himself, that smarter men and women could see in him, and they fed it, until the trap became him.


One word.

What I will never grasp, by grasp I mean deal with is that for whatever reason, I am so goddamn scared of myself that I cant breath at times.

The woe as me routine, is nearly instilled in me by me ! Pathetic.

The only person that can change this is me.


What have I come to have a moment of clarity about ?

I don’t have a set of balls anymore.

And what is worse, that making mistake after mistake, and hurting people and property more that anything ? Not taking responsibility for it.




Day 9 Re-employment

Whats my feeling today ?

Bored !

Today my emotions began as mixed, landed to the H.Q. head down and got stuck in. Lot of mess from me only being gone 7 days. Shocking really.

Dealt with some of that and continued on, most people wishing me well, while stating “ they knew I’d be back”.

Silly people, with alot less on their mind than normal intelligent people.

I’m not judging them, simply stating the facts, as previous told to my ex-boss now boss, I did wonder how he gathered up all the village idiots inot one company and managed to hire them.

However more fool on them really, as they pay their wages, mine included.

Most left me alone to my own devices and thoughts, but that will change rapidly, as I am the go to guy, for absolutely every thing.

As the day progressed, I found myself constantly questioning my decision. Was it right to return, should of kept going and not looked back. However silly my boss is for re-hiring me he knows only too well, that I will leave again either by force or by choice. The pattern in the company remains the same, people try to leave, he thold thems, then constantly annoys them and belittles them, until it shows in their work, therefore creating his own faults in those people, giving him the ammo to let them go, he is old school and has to have the final word.

I’m unclear as to whether he actually thinks, he has me over a barel. I did give a good impression of that to him upon re-hire, but only because his game is simple, my games are more complex than he can see.

Throughour all of this, I will reamin positive , keeping the facts clear in my mind. I am in charge of me. Nothing they can do, or say, or try and place onto my shoulders changes who I am, who I want to be, and nothing they do takes away from the fact, that this empire, is built with some of my blood also. Despite what they might think.

They have yet to realise that I am back because I wanted the money, not the job, but that will shine through and through given time. I will make a proactive role in making it extremely slippery and awkward for them in ways they will never see coming, just to let them know and a constant reminder.

Most of the managers and sub managers only exist and are only good at their job, because I gave them training, but all that has ended now, and the sheppard is retired. Quite obviously today that the sheep are roaming about with no guidance, and let it be that way .

Its not my company, its not my money, why did I care in the end ?

I always swore to myself I would never become a sheep, and I will not.

As my way, goes so much deeper.

I continue to look for jobs, and will continue to focus on myself, I expect my motivation to lack, as this is a very head space job, and does takes it out of me, day to day.

However I will continue on and keep going.

To say I have lost heart in it, is the under statement of the year.

Imagine yourself sitting there, in a meeting looking for the obvious progression, getting told no, but expected to setup it up for a stranger to get the progression and then you stay on the same wages but have to do extrea hours ? That is only one of the outcomes they look for from me. I do laugh behind my eyes and “yes sir” attitude.

The day dragged, my feelings got worse, I hung in there and kept a lid on it.

I think most expect me to walk again,which is great.

I have no loyalty to these people anymore, how could I , loyalty is a two way street.

I still see the same mistakes, and the same puffed out chests, by the same people, but no more will I cover up, or take the job over or anything like that. I will let them carry on, while I will do my own thing.

Nothing else really to report, expect I am very tired, and kinda upset with myself for going back.

I am weak, where I thought I was strong.

But my strength will come back, slowly, and I want it back slowly, because speed means nothing.

Nice and slow and therefore it will last as long as I need it too. At least that is my hope.

Without hope I have nothing, no longer will I blame anyone but myself.

It works for me. Why ?

I can not change anyone else, no matter how bad or wrong they are.

I can change myself and rise above these scum of the earth and their greed.

I did learn something very important about myself today.

Something I didn’t see clearly or expect coming, and although I am on the fence about it, its a lesson still for me.

I struggle with letting anything go, emotionally, physically all levels really.

I never understood why, and if I did , well I never admitted it.

I do not let anything go because I am scared of change, scared of losing something that was right.

Scared of moving on from the past.

This shocked me, to others its obviously who know me, but to me, it rocked me to the core.

Usually I would call myself stupid and give out to myself, but I did not.

I was glad I found this part of the puzzle, it shows and proves to me , that all hope for me is not lost.

I have to keep taking a leap of faith, and always will everyday, on myself.

I do not expect big changes in my life from all this, infact its small changes I will focus on, I believe that all the small changes, will make big changes and turn me into a better person all round.

That is my goal for me in the short and long term, leading to happiness.

Im not looking for anything.

I already believe in me, its just convincing all of me to believe in me .

Day 8 Unemployed

Whats my feeling today ?


Day 8 Unemployed

As anyone reading this, may have guessed, today I had to do a “sit-down” with my ex-boss and his “business advisor”.

It was early enough in the morning, which suited me as I had set the time. I wanted it out of the way and any progress or lack there of, done and dusted.

Well it is done and dusted, I feel tired and worn out.

I agreed to return to work, with a small win, nothing with a fanfare or pipes playing to say the least.

I start back tomorrow. My choice.

As he handed me the keys, ( the biggest set in the company ) I felt torn, for that split second of my hand on them, my inner voice screamed run. I shut it up.

Did I want to go back ? Heck no.

Why did I ?

Well as you may or may not have read, I need to focus on me. I can not and will not do that without some form of income. While I will put on a brave poker face, and commit to a point, it stops there.

He re-hired me, but he knows fine well it wont last, both of know that without speaking.

Instead of me moaning, at myself ,I want to focus and actually better myself completely, with training, and do the things I love again. Make no mistake, he will “drop me like its hot” at a whim, so I want it all setup so that when that day comes ( he will do this when he thinks my feet are back under the table ) that at least I am not walking away with nothing.

For a strange fleeting moment the “business advisor” stuck up for me, and requested a promotion in front of the boss man . However that will not happen, but at the same time, they want me to pave the way, setup the thing and get it running, so a manager can then move in, manage it, and of course me. Nice kick in the teeth that one, I thought. Of course he didn’t give that away, but I have dealt with this type of gentleman before, and while I am overlooking a lot, meaning he has more silly stuff planned for me, I will never lose touch of why I am doing this. Money, and progression, personally for me. I have done this for 2.5 years, there is no place left for me in this company and he knows it. I feel it. I have out grown them, and they know it. Instead of helping a fellow, then choose to chain me up in the basement, as I come up with a more cost effective way to run the business and boost his bank balance. Now some way say, that is terrible, and some may say, you wish. However the reality is just as I said. I was brought in to grow it, and grow it I did. Rapidly, so rapid in fact, they can not keep up, and it shows.

He did not, and will never now offer me any more pay rise, or responsibility. I have accepted this over the course of today and I am at peace with it.

My partner stands by any decision I make, and this means a lot to me.

She sees a change I think.

I hope not to revert back to the old ways.

I went home today, it was mixed feelings, I needed to speak to my brother.

He had many words of wisdom for me, which I enjoyed, but the one thing that always comes from him and always will, in his own words “ but what suits you best, and what do YOU get out of it”.

I never listened to him, in the past, but today I did, today I know exactly what he meant.

He was the exact same way, only I have taken it to a new harder extreme.

He is not happy with this, or with me, for being this way.

It saddens me, but at the same time its a reality check that I listen to without question.

He always had my back, and I do hope that I have his.

I explained in detail to him what I had done, what I knew and more-so what I didn’t know.

His words as written above rang through plain and simple.

I need to look at my life in constant work in progress, not to be hard on myself and changing my mental standpoint will change my life dramatically.

I need change, for me , for everyone.

As you may guessed, patience was never the strongest weapon that I own.

I need to work on that , hard.

I love projects, and now I have a new one, from tomorrow, that project is me.

I see myself as one of those people, who completely separates themselves from work, at all times, while my body will be there, my mind will never be anymore.

This is a great thing.

If this was me two weeks ago, I would want to go into work tomorrow, and sort everyone and everything in one day.

But no.

Life is not like that, and neither am I.

I realized something today as I sat there, bored off my tree listening to these two men carry on like a married couple, trying to own the world, that they know nothing about.

I gave them so much , and I got nothing back.

Its turn the tables time.

From now on this, this is a job, going no where. However I am control of me. Not them.

I need and must better myself and get a grip.

If this has thought me anything, is a hard lesson, to get along, you must go along.

Ive made lists before, and gotten nowhere of things I wanted to do, or things I wished I could do.

Forget lists, just focus on one small thing every day that makes a difference, big or small no matter, you are in control.

That was lost on me, feeling like a puppet for a pay packet. No longer.

Anything I can obtain from these idiots I will.

Whatever else is one me.

The days of letting the world point a finger in my face and telling me I am no good, is over .


I don’t even know how good I am, as I have never reached my full potential. In fact at this job, I have lost some of the knowledge I had, at least it has dulled, but I will get back, and more-so than that, I will be hungry for more.

A small part of me thinks, that this will all change when I sucked back into the puppet game, and while I will give the best performance ever, I need to do what I did before, and play a good game, act a good role and come home, to my partner, with a smile and spring in my step, knowing, that above all else, we are going to be okay. Because if we are not, we are going to make it okay.

The days of letting the world point a finger in my face and telling me I am no good, is over.


I am better than that.

I lost my way.

No one can help me find it, only myself.

I do not need a map for this, or Google.

I just need to remember that I am me.

Its never easy for a man to admit, that he is not “OK”.

It is never said enough, people hide too much behind life.

I know I am not “OK”.

While this is not the toughest thing that will ever happen to me, it’s something I face on a daily basis, but I am in control, not my feeling or emotions, not the world , not the job, no one..

just me.

I want to be “OK” again, and in order to do that, I have to face these demons, and chase them, and lock them up, and remember that they do not run my life. I DO.

Day 7 Lost

Whats my feeling today ?


Day 7 Unemployed

Still lost, the day begins, with me not actually wanting to get out of bed. I have things to do, that I am avoiding heavily. The plan they want. I already had one in my mind, but threw down a very simple and basic one, and printed it out. I didn’t put in a lot of effort, there isn’t much point , as it gets lost in the form of translation.

When I typed it out, it further created a mindset. Thats great they want a plan. Wow. What the heck am I actually getting out of this?

Better work conditions, but the reality is, all that I am doing only further creates a better business model for them in the future. But what am I getting?

I want to know what they see, properly, it wont be easy as they will be expecting that question and already prepped for it. I still do not fully understand why they are doing this. Sure no one wants to let a good “worker” go… but this is borderline insane.

I helped my partner with various need to do tasks, and now I am writing this. Its a very unproductive day, I job searched sure, but nothing updated since Friday, so no real change there.

I do not want to take the wrong attitude, but really, why am I meeting them, If it is to satisfy what they want, fine . But the whole structure of the company is very one sided, towards the employer. I was told there would be growth, room to grow even, and progress. I see nothing. The progression I made,I took and made myself. I can’t keep doing that. Especially if they want me to return, and their key point is only I need a manager.

Its all lost on me.

And it upsets me, because I have plenty other things to think about, like myself, yet I am allowing this to stop me.

Old habits are hard to shake.

I have firmed up in my mind, the questions I want to ask, but of course, I am worried, as its me. Without work,I am lost. I know this. They know this. Its a fine line, I don’t wish to crack under the pressure, its not about that, its about holding back the flow of panic, If I don’t answer correctly, If i don’t get offered the job, what to do ? Stop. Calm. Stop. Think.

Its not about them vs you. Its about you vs you .

The good and the bad, the bad overtakes me and is flying down the highway as the good, looks for a lift, because he cant figure out how to drive the car .

One thing I have noted before in my past and always hanging around my head.

I am good at what I do. So good in fact, I will leave myself in a worse place to do something good for the wrong people.

My internal battle rages on.

I’m struggling to change my mindset. I see this so damn clearly. It worries me.

I know I’m my own worst nightmare and that I completely wreck my own head and I am sure I wreck all those around me.

I noticed a sharp decline, in my posting. The content goes down hill rapidly. Is that because of my mindset or because they threw me this curve ball.

Did I want the curve ball.

If all else fails, I need this as an exercise, simply to test myself, and whether I am offered the job back, or whether I take it or not, whatever way this plays out, I need to make the informed decision, that even if it is the wrong thing to do, I need to make it right, use it as a way to better myself, or get out correctly.

I don’t think enough of myself. Not saying I need an ego boost per say. On the whole, I need to see that I do deserve nice things for myself and the correct path for myself, not for other people. Its easy to say, easy to type, but my god, its a hard change for me.

The weakness that exists inside of me, its a horrible-thing. Its like an infection. It creates stress, being unwell and lacking the ability to manage, even simple things.

My mental health is declining , over time, and I wonder how I will end up.

For now, I need to focus on me, again a simple and sweeping statement, but I need to make that a reality. At one point in my life, I did actually have a life, now I don’t know what I have.

Its age too, social pressure exists and its real.

Real because I listen to it.

I long for days when it didn’t matter what was in my bank, or what I was doing, as long as I was happy.

It all changed, for me, and I became, mean and twisted and hateful on the world.

Thats a battle, that I must win, I need to turn this around and see a way forward, one step at a time.

Not just for me, for all the people in my life.

Everyone suffers .

I don’t know if they know, how much I suffer inside. The quiet calm man, perfect poker face, inside its completely different.

Ive been like this so damn long, I don’t even know what normal is.

I can fake it, to the point where I almost believe it.

I’ve read a lot of the last few days, at weird times in the morning / late at night due to sleep loss.

They all suggest making a list of to-do, or changes of realistic goals.

I will do this, but of course I have done this before, many many times, and nothing ever came of it.

Pushing myself is hard, applying pressure to others and getting things done , easy.

People, see me ( as they have told me ) as dominant and alpha male and in control.

I agree with them face to face and laugh and worry behind it all, thinking these people are indeed crazy .

Am I hopeful they will offer me a job back ?

Realistically, financially and the mature side of me ? Yes.

My heart states various problems, with this.

The best work I’ve done with this company, is behind me.

There is no room for me to grow or even progression.

Like the majority of you out there, I am not happy with it, and I did see it as a way of paying bills and gathering savings, one out of two is not bad.

I am thankful though, thankful that I did get to work , there and see the company grow.

Thankful, that the job allowed myself and my partner to live together and share such amazing times, even though I don’t see them that way at the time.

Its all about reflection, for me.

Sometimes I can’t see it, till I am out of it.

I get so involved.

I like being busy, because I do not have to face myself or my fears.

The cowards way out of life.

Can I see myself being there another 2, 10, 15 years. ? Yes.

Do I want to be ? NO . NO . NO . NO . NO.

I need to focus on that statement, because it will help me, well be me.

I tried to talk to myself ( I actually talk to myself a lot ) and see what it is I want.

Right now, I want some money, and a way of making myself better.

I feel sick. Inside.

Its not right, and its not normal.

I don’t mind being different, however I would like for once, just once, to be happy and not have any worries, even for one day.

I want that happiness, of doing something I enjoy , of making people happy.

I want to make those around me, feel special and loved, and for them to know I appreciate them standing beside me.

As I am sure you have figured out long ago, I am not the easiest person to be around.

Day 6 Confused

Whats my feeling today ?


Day 6 Unemployed

The day begins as normal, check my phone, check my email check everything. Job searches, check my money, sort out in my mind where I am going. Now that is work in progress, but I do it everyday ,rather than the bigger picture.

I speak heavily to my partner, we discover, that everything is not said, and that saddens me. I talk straight. I need it straight and simple.

We go for a walk. Its lovely, spending time with her, Ive missed it, and forgotten how lovely it is.

We chit-chat, but she knows rightly, its all on my mind. She asks what I am going to do. I spend a long long time speaking. The more I speak the more I wind myself up and worry.

Why Am I getting the feeling, this is going the “cult” way, and I can never leave. Why do they just not gleam me for information and just let me go. There was no need for this Monday meeting, I could of emailed it in it. They could of laughed at it, for a far.

Is it because they wouldn’t let me go this easy. I am no model employee. I am no great fella. Not this great. They always have another plan, you never see coming, all I can think of I’m part in some shape or form of this plan. Why ? God only knows. But I have noticed that any of these plans, that you never see coming are not good. They never end well. I do not want to be a fall guy. I don’t really need it, nor want it.

I check my phone, for job offers, for anything, I desperately look for something to apply for. I am that bad, Ive set my search engines in the jobs sites, to email me any jobs that come up in Europe that fit my request. Nothing.

We talk some more, and I realize, I am over thinking this, I also notice that I was unable to write my blog for the day before. Meaning its all inside me, the “interview” etc, I need to get it out and sort it out, I do find its good, to write it down and post it on line . Why ? Because to me then its gone.

Its written and gone, I don’t want it on my computer, I want it gone, and I really don’t mind that anyone reads it, or doesn’t read it, as long as its gone away from me.

Ive written before my problem is over-thinking, and this encompasses my life, it stops me, it talks myself out of doing anything, its that bad, at times I feel worthless, because I see the bad in something and magnify it by over-thinking.

I feel terrible.

They have me over a barrel in one way. I am looking for a job, but with no savings, money is tight and going to get worse, far worse. However if I was offered something to rejoin the company and I did and then wanted to leave again, would it be like this.

Something preys on the back of my mind heavily.

A former manager was treated this way.

He left and was interviewed twice, getting re-involved, and make to feel special and part of the solution not the problem, the manager was then sacked for misconduct and attitude. 6 months after the fact. That is my deadline.

I do not want to be in a position where I re-join later to be binned off . If they offer and I accept, then it must be a means to an end, it must be a savings effort and it must be a stepping stone to something else.

However something else stops me dead in the tracks.

I’ve said that before, in fact I said that when I joined the company, in fact it was the exact same conversation me and my partner had , now and then.

I see that I got stuck in a rut over the job. That I gave such a good effort, I put nothing on myself. That is why I burned out fast, that is why it is like it is.

I can still log into the company side of things and see progress. What makes me happy is that since I left, the “team” as it were were not able to lean on my as hard. Therefore, they have made progress, real good progress, without me. This solidifies my mindset. I was part of the problem, the whole company is progressing and I was not. I thought I was, but no.

I made it too easy, and now that it is not so easy people are shinning.

This lifts me, I feel I can walk in on Monday, and not fight for my job, not that I was going to, its just how I speak.I will state I was part of the problem and now, thankfully, with me gone, the void is filled by the team, not just one man, this is the future for the company. Is it the future for me ? No.

My best work is behind me, with this company, everything else is just filler, I did what I had to do, then and will do what I need to do now. If they offer me a job as it were, it wont be doing what I love and it will be at a reduced rate I am sure.

If I accept it, they will think they have me, If i feel i need to accept it, I will. While on the outside I will give the impression that I am there for the company and everything that goes along with that, inside, I will hate it, yet put up with it, until I can find something else.

I am hopeful, that I can do some light re0training, to hopefully flesh out my CV and gather what I can, to propel a proper scenario.

If they try stop me again, I don’t know how it will end, but at the same time, the next time I leave will be because of a far better job.

If on the other hand they do not, offer me anything, I am at peace with it. I do not feel I need to be there anymore.

While we will struggle and fight, and hopefully not become homeless in the near future, I think we must remain positive and wish, pray and hope something comes along.

Even if I have to work away for a time, I need to do, what needs to be done to survive, and to get ahead.

Once you see, that they only thing stopping you, in life is yourself, it all becomes clear.

That is a vast statement, and I type it. Whether I will be able to keep that in mind, when the demons come and the darkness appear,s and all around look bleak, I do not know. For now, I know it, and know that there is no point , blaming anyone but myself. If i take everything else out of , maybe I can move forward for me, before its too late.

That is my hope. Without hope I have nothing.

Day 5 Surprise

Whats my feeling today ?


Day 5 Unemployed

So just not to get confused, I didn’t wake up surprised, the day went as the rest above, however in the morning, I got a phone call . I thought I would , but I wasn’t sure. The ex-boss.

Asking for a sit-down. Not with him with his “business advisor”..who also happens to be an accountant. Oh god. I agree, as I know he needs me to sign forms, for release and to get my P45 under way. You really should see my contract for a good laugh on the amount of paperwork.

So I hang about the house, getting slowly more uncomfortable as time gets closer to the meet.

I pull into the office parking, and there it is. A weird sense. Do I still care about this place and all its employees and locations spread across our tiny country. Here some the flash car the accountant drives. But of course just before that fella pulls up, another employee spies me through the curtains as it were, makes her way over to be, demanding to know if I have indeed left, if it is all true and am I coming back as I’m now in the car-park. And so beings the rumour mill for all to see.

I walk in with this guy, I don’t have access anymore, no keys, no ID, nothing. I sit at the table across from him and wonder. Why the heck am I here? I know there is paperwork, but I don’t trust these guys, never have never will. Why did I come ?

And then it beings, a sort of half-assed exit interview. Now you need to understand something before I continue. These “men” as it were , believe they are smarter, stronger , richer and wiser than anyone else on this planet. And that if you are not working for them, well your an idiot. They constantly look down their noses at people and how they go on.

He conducts this “exit interview”. He is very sharp , to the point in the introduction. He asks, “ Is there anything you want to say before we get down to the nitty gritty of the situations”.

I tell him yes, I am very straight and I speak my mind and tell it like it is.

He asks”Do you mind if i take notes”. Of course not. This comes from the grooming he has received over the years from the Boss man . “If it is not written down it means nothing”. Simple terms, simple mind.

I tell him , why I had enough, why I walked out and what I think in my own words needs re-adjustment. He listens says nothing and writes down, what he thinks I’ve said, I can read upside down , so I scan in a non intrusive way what he has written. I see he has made other notes, separately. Mostly negative about me. I’m glad in a way. Normally, I would be annoyed, but I see he is right, in some of them, Ive had a few days to reflect.

He asks questions none of which I mind, but I do break it all down to simple terms for him, he is not exactly technical. My impression of him ? He is there to speak for the Boss. He claims his involvement in the business in many ways, but then he makes a mistake. A little background, for some reason in this company, I’ve noticed an ongoing way with people. They claim credit from others rapidly and take over situations and “handle” them. Thus allowing them to run to the Boss man, and receive credit. Credit is not the done thing in this company. So its gold.

His mistake was, I brought in a very simple logistical element, to distribute certain parts etc over the country. I fought hard for pricing and structure and got what I want. However he claims that it was him. So much so, I can see he believes it. Any respect for him, left the room at this point, but I kept my poker face on.

The boss man enters, he doesn’t look at me. He only speaks with the “business advisor” about me. In front of me. Commonsense seems to have the rooms also. He says nice things about me.

The “business advisor” states himself and the Boss need to review what I have said and come up with a plan. They want me to type out a plan and meet them again on Monday. I sigh heavily.

I feel trapped, internally, but externally, I give the correct signs. Are they trying to offer me better conditions of work ( no extra money and benefits do not exist ) to stay? Or gleaming me for information to sort out the situations.

I agree to meet on Monday.

I come home and speak to my partner. I font really know how I feel. Later that night, I am restless. Of course this was their intention.

My mind is in over-thinking mode. Do I want to work there again. Do I actually think its best for the company, or for me. Why am I putting the company first and I dont even work there anymore.

We play video games, and watch movies to take my mind off it. It works to a point. Bear in mind the way with me, is I can not unplug.

I realize that I must change, never-mind where I am going to work, things with me have to be different, I can no longer point a finger and blame the world around me. After all , its how everything can be handled, making lemonade etc etc .

I am a positive person, believe it not. I was reminded, that I never state the positive in any situation, for the simple reason, that I already see the positive so presume everyone else does also, I simple voice the negative, as a devils advocate, as sometimes I am not clear if people see both sides.

What have I learned ? By me doing that internally, I am making myself negative as that is what sticks..

I’m 34, coming on 35, how the heck did I miss this ?

How did it feel being called in for the meeting? They wanted me to feel special, that I am part of solution, not part of the problem, that I am the ultimate employee, and how could I leave as I need this, I want this, I’m addicted, we all know that .

Did they succeed ? They did not, as I already know how I am, what I am, and how I operate. To say that I under estimating my ability with this company, is light.

Even If i could do what I wanted to do, they just wouldn’t get it.

One of the big things that came out of the meeting, and something that they tried to set a seed in my mind, was the need for a proper management structure , hinting I would be involved. However they are not seeing the wood for the trees, Ive watched the company over many years while being there, they do not and will not, prompt someone. Its crazy, once you join the company you are put in a box, of which there is no escape. I know this. However they seem to think I do not.

But they succeeded to ruin my weekend, get inside my head and annoy me. They only succeeded because I let them. I’m disappointed in myself heavily.

This blog is changing. I’m sure that is evident in the way I type now.

Day 4 Ostrich Syndrome

Whats my feeling today ?

Ostrich Syndrome

Day 4 Unemployed

I got a text yesterday from a employee at my ex-company, I debated whether to answer it. Not for contract issues, but more-so because I read it incorrectly. I answered it this morning late , but at least its done. It was work related, but at the same time, it was him saying goodbye.

It did indeed feel weird to read it . As he had put something personal in it. Personal for him at least, as I have known him a few years due to the company, but never heard him speak like that before.

I awoke this morning, with the Ostrich Syndrome. I feel I am burying my head in the sand and ignoring where I am. Its not taking charge, like I always do, its ignorance.

Whats the first thing I do ? I check my phone. I check my emails, both personal, also logging into the company email account , and checking. They are doing just fine without me.

Did I think I was “the man” and the company would not be able to function without me ? On some levels, yes . Am I shocked ? No not at all. In my short period there, anyone who worked for me, or with me, realized I had a massive impact on the company, how they worked, and tried my best to steer everyone in the correct way. This was well bbeyond any kind of scope that I was hired for, however the boss, is a very wise man when it comes to using people to their fullest and getting value for money, so he let me do what I always seem to do and run the show up to the point . Including doing my own daily duties and workload as normal. This was extra. But its on me, I didn’t charge for it, or ask for anything . Looking back it was because I wanted to make a difference. I felt that this guy had hired me, and being honest at the time he hired me, I really did not think I would get another job. A lot of companies and recruiters seem to fear that I had my own business and took it to a high level, they feel I am unable to work as an employee. They are indeed wrong, as was proven with my time at my ex-company.

Why am I talking about this ? I presume it is because its on my mind, I do indeed have trouble letting go of anything, in fact its a constant struggle and the past does indeed stop the future, while I am able to see all my faults that exist ( and some that are in my head ) , I declare myself with Ostrich Syndrome, for the very simple reason I am ignoring where I am , how I got there and how the heck to get out of it.

I did an email today, my last payslip. That was dreadful. Not that fact that I have a very small amount of money coming , but the fact that it is the last wage packet. The last wage packet. Why is it the last ?because I let it be.

I ant to think, that this was the right move and that “ bigger and better things” are waiting for me, I just have to go out and grab them. I do want to do this. I want to. But I seem unable. Is it too soon ?

Why can I not be one of these fantastic people with uber confidence and control upon themselves and get a wonderfully paid job, with a company that knows and sees what I can do ?

I dream about this, I wish for this. For myself and for my partner. I want to give her everything she wants. She is a woman, who does not want fancy things, or big houses, just the basics and to be happy.Comfortable.

Distraction is a wonderful thing. When the mind or body does not want to do anything it will do whatever it can to pull you away from what is needed. Thats the core issue for me. Im not focusing on what I need. Or even what I want. I’m not focusing on anything. I’m struggling internally.

Sure on the outside, you would think nothing wrong, but at the minute, and for a lot of my life, I have done this, silly ignorance.

I guess if you have read all the posts thus far you will think I’m a lunatic. If it makes any progress, I do agree. Along with all the other descriptions you think of that are negative towards me, believe me , I agree .

I looked up courses for a brief fleeting few minutes. I think I will do some basic ones for now, more-so to just have something as a gap filler on my CV.

I spoke before and I know a lot of things , but I do not have the paperwork to verify this. Im not talking about college courses or anything like that, I live in a country where unless you have headed paper by one of the three big colleges, then its worthless. I cannot afford nor will I get assistance for those type of paperwork, so of course as with most of my life, I do this on my own for myself.

In case you are wondering, yes I am still checking my phone, Yes I am still extremely tired.

I check the job sites often, nothing really is coming up for my skill-set. Even if it did, I wonder would i even recognize it anymore. I hope I will, but I know I will have to force myself to fill it out.

When that times comes, I am sure you will hear about it .

Its “funny” really, I barely could afford to live when I was working, due to the fact I seemed and was working 7 days a week for very long periods, with 18hr days . You would think I was well off, but no. When I was working, I could of treated my partner, but I did not, and I should have. I seen sometimes in her eyes the neglect that I have given her and it pains me.

Now however I cant even afford to take her out, as I don’t know when I will get a job or the next job will even be. At this point it looks like it might not even be local.

However on a brighter note, I did find some jobs for my partner to apply for, she has had many interviews recently, and I wish her well, as she is a committed person and if she is reading this ; You are doing the right thing!

I may feel better if I had of been fired. Then the choice as it were at that point would not of been mine. However knowing that it was mine and in my control to a certain degree, is taking a lot out of me mentally. I feel that I have made the wrong decision, it was too hasty and has left us with nothing. My partner did not ask for this, yet it has been forced her.

Its up to me to change it. I realize that and no amount of blogging or writing or thinking is going to do that only action is. I realize this a lot, and if you think that this blog is an attempt for attention or sympathy, then please stop reading. This blog is me trying to deal with my life and what has happened, not recently, but actually over my whole life. I have never spoken to anyone, ever about my thoughts my feelings nothing. To you it may seem like a normal thing, but to me, this is crazy.

So bear with me. I will eventually get the hang of this, or at least come to terms with where I am.

To take my mind of things today, I cleaned. I have a history of cleaning when im upset, when I’m thinking, when i need to avoid things.

I cleaned some of the rooms in our little rented house. Just to think and take the pressure off. However I didn’t think, I just cleaned, but I didn’t notice that I had not thought until I had finished.

It is, what it is, as they say.

I will clean more tomorrow, and possibly not think again.

I’ve noticed an ongoing pattern in my life, looking back, I seem not to finish anything for myself. I can finish for employment, finish for other people, but my life seems to be things are never ever finished, at least to the way I want them to me. I do blame money alot and the lack of it, while this is a real concern at the minute, some of the time, I see it as an excuse.

I do hope that I actually am able to finish things for myself.

I’ve noticed that moreover, I do have a tendency to declare ( to myself ) that I have done this wrong, that wrong, and this is how to fix it, yet I seem to go back to do nothing for myself and focusing on something/someone else, to distraction myself, well from myself.

I know this is happening now. How do I know ? Re-read what I wrote .

Day 3 : Loss

Whats my feeling today ?


Day 3 Unemployed

As anyone reading this can tell, I am not a writer, nor an official blogger. I’m sure my blog as it is, stings of bad crammer, spelling and terrible to read. Therein a problem exists. I don’t write the blog for you the viewer ( if there are any ) . I write it for me. Of course it is not hard to tell that I have zero experience with this type of thing but I will continue on regardless. I’m quite good like that. I can deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life. In silence. However if it affects other people I care about, I will move heaven, earth and hell to make it right . I mentioned before I was a crusader. I do not pre-plan what I am going to write, nor do I create situations in my life that dramatically increase the content of this blog. In-fact, I do not nor have I ever been any part of normal social media platforms, while I agree they can be a brilliant idea for a business, and all that goes with it, I do not agree with them on a personal level. That is a debate for another time. I’m simply stating, I’m new at this, but I will get better , of this I am sure.

I question everything. Today is no different for that. I sit here, watching my hands type, refusing to look up and read it, and just let it out. I am dealing with loss today.

Loss, of money ? Loss, of my job ? Loss, of feeling like I am someone ? Loss, of being who I was ?

The answer is all of the above and even more feelings, that I have yet to come to terms with.

Of course, it was only a job, you scream at the screen , there will be plenty more. I suggest you read my other posts for unique clarification .

A constant debate rages inside me, and always will from the simple tasks to the massive tasks, of course this is all in my private life. I can manage and delegate and control and do my best work, as long as its not my personal life. Its a mental block ? Its a fear ? Its just not being able or in the right mindset to deal with it ? Its selfish to think on ones self ? I’ll come back to these questions in the future.

I want to be on the right foot with myself at all times. I need to be. However as of yet I don’t know what that is. I hope to find out or even better, hope my hand is forced so that I don’t have to deal with it. I am great person for helping people, but myself. I can not.

I miss work, so much so , I find that I am still checking my phone, and logging into the project management side of the business through my phone to see progress. Its unclear as of this moment, why my accounts are still active and why my login details are not removed. I have not thought too much about it, but I know from my last words to the boss, that he will move hell or high water to change what was wrong in the company, so that it will be a stronger and better place to work.

I see changes already from reading the reports, and a lot of my ideas have already been enacted, naturally with the next in line, taking the credit and reaping the rewards. Make no mistake, I do not care who controls the changes, or who takes credit, all I wanted for everyone who worked there was a better place to work, with more respect and ultimately as anyone ever in business will know a better company on the books and in real world terms.

Naturally the next in line, is letting me login to see the changes, the next in line and boss-man would like nothing better than for me, to call and claim its all a big mistake and that I would like my job back please. While I have had to stop myself from doing that a good few times, I think that would be a bigger mistake. The childish games that exist in the company and the immature nature of employees at top level, would only be fed more drama to lighten their mood.

Do I think that my leaving with abrupt notice was a crusade ? Not for me, however looking in and even on the other side of the boardroom table at that time ? I myself would of only been thinking one term : Prima Donna.

I take great peace in the fact that things are slowly changing there. I think that if the company learns from my departure and does truly change a little portion of their mentality towards staff and core business, then I will be glad and it will be worth it.

Why care ?

Because I need to make a difference. I can not say it any other way. Not in the way that people may think. That I want all this glory and all that goes with it. No. I need to make a difference.

I helped so many employees in the company regain strength and structure and so of the most loyal ones I did whatever it took to make it easier for them to work there. Why ? Because I need to make a difference. I fixed something for a staff member just before I left, something that meant a lot to her, she had dedicated her life to the company , however she was at the bottom of the pecking order. When I had it fixed on my own time, and presented her with it, she asked me, “How much do I owe you?”. I told her that I liked doing nice things, for nice people. She has always been amazing towards me in my time there , and I wanted to do anything to let her know that I thought of her often. Upon my response, she broke down in tears and hugged me tight and thanked me.

I would like to say I felt good, but actually I felt like I should of done more for her.

If the difference is that I have left, and things change for the better, then it will give me proper peace.

I’m quite unhappy. I have been most of my life. Lots of reasons , lots of good and too much bad. It changes you inside. You lose something.

I look in the mirror, but I cant stand the face I see. So while I look at myself I don’t really.

Daily I fight a battle with myself, on the inside.

I am always going to lose that battle, in fact over 9 years ago, I was sure I had lost it.

I pulled back then and regained the worst form of control.

I am so tired. I find myself near drifting off at times, and snap myself awake. Its only day 3. Ive made a point of getting out of bed, and doing things, anything in morning . The temptation to sleep and stay in bed and let it consume me in depression is real. Not just for me, but for anyone. I see this now. Everyone has bad days, but I am the type of guy its a 100% or zero. Worry ensues for my own safety.

Day 2 : The Fear Factor

Whats my feeling today ?

The Fear Factor

Day 2 Unemployed

I am one of those people. I’m a type, label me what you will. However what I’m talking about now is simple over-thinking. I replay every single conversation of any worth in my head over and over again, looking for the correct outcome. In fact I’m that far gone, I even catch myself speaking it out-loud sometimes, this can lead to funny/not so funny situations as people over hear, along with my physical size and distinct nature , lets just say a certain fear can enter into peoples eyes even those that know me. However today and I would think for many days to come the fear is with me.

Have I made the correct decision ? Did I end things the correct way ? Why am I bogging myself down with what people think of me. Sure we live in a judgmental world, everyone needs a label or a certain stigma attached to make sense of other people even themselves. It’s never enough to be different and leave it at that.

With this blog, I didn’t over think it, or analyze it to death, I literally starting typing and I’m a firm believer of getting it out be it in words, speech, media and sorting it out afterwards. Venting ? YES.

Procrastinator ? YES. Spell-check? NO.

Today is day two. The Fear Factor. What am i frightened of?

Myself is the answer that I keep returning too. I put myself in this situation, no question. Did I think it through ? No. Why? Yet to be determined. My closest guess, is that if I did think on it, I would never of taken this leap of faith or right now stupidity.

I fear that I will like this, this doing nothing, this not working. I see so many people my age and sadly younger that have not worked properly, a day in their life. How can these people be happy ? Is ignorance really bliss ?

I ask a lot of questions, people always say that about me, I wonder do they join the dots though. I may ask a lot of questions, but no one questions me more than myself. Every second of every minute and hour, in everything. Its exhausting. I struggle with my internals daily. Who I am, why am I here , never-mind the mankind questions.

It reminds me of the Matrix films. Is this really it ?

Some would say too much times on my hands, I agree. Sadly even when I was working 60+ hours a week, I was the same. Its just me. No wonder I’m turning 35, feeling 50+.

I have replayed my “exit interview” thousands of times, in my mind, my sleep, my nightmares.

I know Ive made the wrong choice financially, that much is clear. I clutch on to the fact that this is temporary, with unemployment at an all time low, I have to be different.

Its not just me I have to think about.

If I only thought of me, I would never of survived this long .

It was a selfish choice I made but my partner is relentless, she thinks I had to do what is right for me.

Ive looked for work again today, but I cant see much to apply for, maybe the figures are not real, or maybe just maybe unemployment is down and there is nothing on the horizon. Google tells me that 35 and over is seen as an aging workforce. This is not a good time to be unemployed.

Constantly checking my phone and emails, for a job yes but more than that. Somewhere on the surface I hold on to that fact, that my exit from the “company” was an eye opener to the management about the current climate inside the “company”. I’m a crusader, a truth-seeker, if something is wrong, I must fix it, not for me but for whoever is involved. If i knew how to let go I would, but I grasp at the straw, the “company” will ring and state that all is good and I can walk right back in and resume where I left off. I re-read that. Its crazy. Ive looked at my phone again.

I was brave yesterday, I wrote a blog. Braver still letting my partner read it after I published it. Of course she liked it, but then she would say that. If I could give her anything I would especially what she wants, but I would like to give her saint hood or a medal.

I do hope someone reads this and thinks “whats a nutter” . I’m not looking for that reaction but I think if I read this, I would think it. I purposefully don’t re-read any of this, If I did it wouldn’t get published.

I had to travel today not far in this country, but others would think it silly for the purpose. We chatted in the car , and its lovely to be around but the fear is always there, What does this person think of me doing what I’m doing ? Its all rosy now, but as this continues and the money has stopped and we will struggle , I am prepared for everything.

At the midway point of our journey, we stopped to do what we came to do, and I didn’t want to be there on some level. My long time friend whose business we went too, was not there, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Why ? Because I would fold under questioning . While I did want to see him on some level, the fact that I now feel fear for the future, is taunting me. The voices in my head ring through deeply. What they say only I know. I’ve checked my phone again.

I come from a era and a hard way of life. If there is something you want, you work for it. If there is a tool you cant afford, you either save or you make it from nothing.

“ I’ve done something with so little for so long , now I can do anything with nothing”. I used that as a slogan in my business ( my business is another long story ) .

I repeat that to myself every single day. Along with a few other choice sayings I’ve either heard or made up.

Its real simple, someone reading this would think that I am moaning about my circumstances. While that could be true, the reality, is something much more. I am on a journey of hopeful self discovery, I have failed at many things and I am only seeing now that the problem was always me. I am unclear as of yet if it is because I have a self destruction character, or more likely, I am unable to separate the good from the bad. Possible mental health issues ? YES.

The fear ? Its inside all the time. Everyone has their own demons inside them. How did I deal with them ? I worked. You want to know the crazy thing ? Im very poor. Its not that I wasn’t wise with my money, I just never seemed to have enough of it to be wise. Combine all of that with a feeling of that I am myself worth nothing, I guess you could say I always went in too cheap.

The fear of being classified as “long term unemployed” is very real. Some would say I’m jumping the gun, but from previous experience I found it difficult to work for someone else after working for myself. My now ex-boss , appears o think I will just startup my old company again and all will be grand. I wish I could sometimes. He is a very wealthy man, due to good luck and wise people by his side. If you know what a financial “hit” is for a company, you know what it can do to a small business, he has taken many “hits” and keeps moving forward. I find this simply amazing. I am currently taking a “hit” on a personal employment level, and I know I must move forward but at the minute the wheels are spinning and I am going nowhere.

I fear myself the most.

The Middle

First, lets get this correct, as goes with my name, im very simple. I like things simple with no drama. That however is no easy thing, so lets just say its a work in progress.

My english teacher would kill me about now, for the way I have started this, and will continue to write it . You cant really start a story in the middle can you ? Well Im going to try, and we will see how I go.

Whats my feeling today ?


Pure and simple.

Day 1 Unemployed

I would be what is known commonly as a rational and logical thinker. So against all of this, I quit my job. It wasnt a fantastic job, or a job that was going to get me anywhere but nevertheless it was a job. You constantly see all on the memes online “dont let your career define you” “ you are what you work” , etc etc. However for me lets face facts, Ive always worked, Its all I really know how to do. For me, without work I am meaningless, and its unknown territory. I like the fear factor and pushing myself and my limits, but usually as I am finding out that was inside my work life and not really in personal life.

I never had a great deal of money, nor will I ever have a great deal of money, I dont think I will in the near future own a house ,or a new car or any of that and at 34 with the social pressures that exist, that is not easy mentally to come to terms with, but Im at peace with it. I have to be.

I thought I had convinced myself that I was at peace with quitting my job, but of course I was wrong.

What was wrong with my job ? Thats a whole other blog, and with the amount of NDA’s I had to sign, lets just put it down to a toxic work environment, with no management structure and no accountability. Which left me doing a major part of work, and getting nothing for it, with of course childish games in the background.

I got to the point, where I didnt know why I was doing it anymore. And finally I just couldnt go on.

The logical and rational person screams inside me, why didnt you hold on, make it work and above all else at least get another job before jumping ship. I really cant answer that. I wish I could, of course I will come back to it, in the event I can answer it even to myself.

I’d like to say I was a flake, but actually anyone who knows me, that is simply untrue.

Looking at my bank balance, on my cheap android phone, to say worst timing, is an understatement.

A phrase people always seem to use is “going forward” or various variations of that phrase.

So on my first day of unemployment, how did I go forward.

I made a place where I can look for jobs, study online polish my cv, and write a simple blog.

Naturally, I reconstructed my CV , which will always be a work in progress, re-registered and sent my CV out to as many agencies and search sites as I could find, and then sat down with a cup of coffee, and began to write this .

Now why on earth am I writing this , I know your asking that, Im also asking that, along with why are we reading this ?

I hope in time all this will be answered either by you, me or hopefully both.

One thing you should know, I am a very private person, even to my friends, family,partner everyone. So the actual idea of me writing a blog is crazy. Im not even sure what I will be able to write, never mind that it may or may not make sense however I am on this journey, I put myself there and hopefully you will stay with me.

Ive looked through the job sites and in this country, all the politicians are quite happy that we are out of recession. While i do see that on the whole we are out of recession alot of county’s and town-lands struggle each and every day but we are a strong nation and although many of fellow countrymen and countrywomen have left looking for brighter and better futures, I do wonder if some have made the right choice.

I look on in the vain hope that someone like me , can find their place in society even temporary.

I seem to be trapped in the loop of having a lot of experience and not alot of relevant training.

Its a strange one to call, having worked with a lot of graduates recently, along with up and coming future work force I do actually worry how it will be in ten years time.

While training will always be an option for me, hopefully, my age vs money constantly go against me.

I will try and remain positive in the air of dread and know that alot of the negativity that is inside me is coming from my own self and the position I have left myself in.

Im sure a quick google will fill me with knowledge of the “10 most common feelings after quitting a job” but actually I would like to go through this without the help of google.

Sometimes it is hard to see whats in front of you. I seem to be able to handle any situation and any problem as long as its related to work, in my own life especially privately ,I am unequipped to deal with much. Friends , family and even sometimes strangers come to me asking all sorts of advice about their lives and I am always happy to help. Then even do come back after taking on my advice and thanking me for seeing the situation so clearly. If only they knew the truth about me !!!!

I hope to keep this blog updated regularly, and fill it with as much information as I can , as I would like other people to know the real me, and for once I would be able to talk, instead of always listening.